Joke's on you, Part 2! I've been using summations the whole time! :p
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f(x)= cost for a crab to move a distance of x
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f\left(x\right)=\sum_{n=1}^{x}n
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\operatorname{total}\left(f\left(\operatorname{abs}\left(p_{os}-466\right)\right)\right)
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Trial and error to find 466, because making a graph caused my machine to fry an egg.
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= 101571302
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